I am suffering and nobody sees. I am in so much pain. I wish there was someone who could help me. I have fought to stay alive for 11 years. I am so tired. It is impossible for me to desribe this ache. This dull gnawing ache seemingly from nowhere at all.

I wish people could be more understanding. I feel like I cant put this burden on anyone but my back is so heavy. What is there for them to fix? I have no problem. I have a great life. But i can't seem to find the way out of my head. So why bother anyone if there's nothing anyone can do?

more than anything in this world i want to be free of this pain forever. I'll drive out to the beach and stare out at the lake and imagine it taking me under. its quiet and dark and cold but its safe. I want to feel safe for once in my life. More than anything.

If i had nobody I would do it this moment. But to leave my friends and family with that greif. with the guilt. I could never do it. I would never do that to them. I can only truly be free when everyone i care for has gone. So i will live with this forever.

I love life. I want to live. But it is so hard. my god it is so hard. every day i still fight with myself to get over that hill. If there is something out there looking over it all, please help me. please. I don't want to die.

I feel so pathetic.